12 April 2002 (Friday)
more off-the-cuff
There was a man in some kind of martial-arts clothing in the local mall parking lot tonight, practicing something. Others like me stopped to stare, and he ignored us all. His movements were swift and graceful, violent but always balanced; I couldn't decide whether he was dancing or sparring. Both, I suppose. Quite beautiful, all the more so for appearing in dim orange lamplight on a Friday evening in suburbia, between the Johnny Rockets and the McDonald's drive-thru.
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posted by enjelani @ 11:15 PM PST [ link ]
11 April 2002 (Thursday)
gavel rap?
Does anyone know more about why the U.S. government opposes the formation of the new International Criminal Court?
Obviously I haven't been following this until now, but it sounds like yet another example of American arrogance to me. Our enemies must be tried in our courts and on our terms, but we won't other nations get their hands on innocent American citizens, no sir. What's more, apparently Congress has already passed a law forbidding anyone from cooperating with the new Court in any way. It's for our own good, you see. Not that we have any war criminals or genocidal groups in our nation's history, not at all, but some evil bad guys out there could make it look like we do, and that would be a sticky situation, now wouldn't it?
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posted by enjelani @ 05:14 PM PST [ link ]
like a fishing story
Okay, maybe it was six feet. I just measured out three feet on my bedroom floor and that's a little too easy. I did have to jump, after all.
posted by enjelani @ 12:45 AM PST [ link ]
10 April 2002 (Wednesday)
three feet across
In Moab a few weekends back, Emmett and I left our bikes at the end of the trail and hiked on foot to the top of the bluffs. Other biker-tourists wandered around snapping photos while Emmett, as usual, set his gaze on a new challenge. "Think we can get over there?" he asked, pointing to the more precarious-looking formations beyond the vista point. I shrugged, and took his camera while he scurried out of sight among the boulders. "Over here," he called finally, and I heard the solid smack of his sneakers hitting rock. "Jump over this bit and then it's easy climbing all the way."
I looked where he pointed: a tiny ledge at the end of a short steep descent, and a similar ledge on the other side. Between them was a narrow crevasse; even in the midday sun, I couldn't see all the way to the bottom to tell how deep it was. My palms grew damp. I stuck his camera in my jacket pocket and picked my way carefully down to the ledge.
"I think I'm thinking too much," I said.
"Oh don't look down," Emmett laughed. "Just hop across. It's nothing. Like three feet, if that."
"I know," I said, "I know."
"Come on."
"Coming." Before I could form another thought in my head I jumped. I landed. I scrambled up the incline and handed the camera back to Emmett, who gave me a grin without a hint of condescension.
This has become a fine metaphor for my life lately.
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posted by enjelani @ 11:47 PM PST [ link ]
9 April 2002 (Tuesday)
no news
I wonder why it is that I can't bring myself to be fascinated with the news. It's like calling people on their birthdays -- I know I should, and all my personal principles say it's important, but I can't help the fact that I don't care enough to keep it from feeling like a chore.
It's partly because most of it is so far removed from my immediate existence, of course. And because I can't do anything about most of it. And perhaps the biggest reason: it's so damn depressing. Maybe being a history minor in college damaged me. I know that there are horrible things going on all over the world, always have been; and in the midst of it all a single truth is not only difficult to find, it's ultimately an illusion. There's a strong inclination to close my eyes to the dark side of god.
Still, I should know what's going on. Should try to know. NPR, Time Magazine, New York Times, Salon: help me out here. Don't let me turn my head.
posted by enjelani @ 09:04 PM PST [ link ]
antidotes
I'm better now. Temporary, as I said. Maybe it really was that damn movie.
Soren and I took a long and convoluted drive late last night around the place I'm thinking of moving, to see how the neighborhood is at the hour I'd usually get home. I was half expecting sketchiness, but it was really quite innocuous, even nice. A couple of hole-in-the-wall bars with their muted murmuring, a few open-late taquerias, darkened storefronts of record shops and clothing boutiques, the bright hum of the laundromat. The streets are quiet; some are lined with trees that stir gently in the night wind. There is a supermarket on the corner and a bus stop right at my front door, and skyscrapers glitter in the distance further down the hill. This could work.
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posted by enjelani @ 02:02 PM PST [ link ]
8 April 2002 (Monday)
temporary despair
Here it comes again: mini-depression. I get these periodically, when I suddenly don't see the point of anything I'm doing or planning to do. I suppose Saturday's post was a warning sign.
It's a scary thing, to greet the day and believe that you have nothing to look forward to. That frustration and burnout are inevitable, that your dreams are foolish -- that everything you think you want in life, those sparkling castles in the air that you're working so hard to anchor on solid ground, always turn out to be covered in graffiti when you get up close, and smell faintly of urine.
This will pass, as it always has. Times like this I'm grateful for my little veneer of calm, this veil that stands between me and the furthest depths of any emotion. I resent it when it keeps me dry-eyed in the face of incredible beauty, but it also keeps moments like these from screwing up my life. I'm showing no outward signs of giving up anything. Just feeling a quiet tugging toward an abyss.
Suppose I could blame it on having watched Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas last night. Two hours of delusion and disillusionment in every shade of neon. Yay. Oh, I feel good about the American Dream now, baby, you betcha.
posted by enjelani @ 03:30 PM PST [ link ]