enjelani's journal - the last embassy

the last embassy
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9 April 2002 (Tuesday): antidotes

I'm better now. Temporary, as I said. Maybe it really was that damn movie.

Soren and I took a long and convoluted drive late last night around the place I'm thinking of moving, to see how the neighborhood is at the hour I'd usually get home. I was half expecting sketchiness, but it was really quite innocuous, even nice. A couple of hole-in-the-wall bars with their muted murmuring, a few open-late taquerias, darkened storefronts of record shops and clothing boutiques, the bright hum of the laundromat. The streets are quiet; some are lined with trees that stir gently in the night wind. There is a supermarket on the corner and a bus stop right at my front door, and skyscrapers glitter in the distance further down the hill. This could work.

We parked and meandered a few blocks on foot, circling to the parking lot behind the building. A dog in the yard next door took up some vicious barking as we drew close to the gate leading to the apartment, and a man appeared on the front porch. "Hello there," he said, not unpleasantly. "Help you with anything?" "We're looking at an apartment here," Soren said. "Little late to be apartment-hunting, for most folks," the man said. "We stopped by to see how the area was at night," I explained. "Ah," the man said. "See Marlow here, he's always barking at strangers. If he don't know you, he starts making noise."

We chatted with him a little longer and then turned back up the driveway. "You know, it's actually a good thing that the dog is there," Soren noted. "And that his owner comes out when he barks."

You know that thing you talked about last night? How the way you live each day being the way you live your life?
Yeah?
That depressed the hell out of me.
I'm sorry.
No, I...it's just that I've been spending all my time accomplishing >this<, so I can do >this<, which leads to >this<. I'm spending each day of my life getting things done. Not actually doing what I want to do. Not really living. I've been wondering whether Zach has it right after all.
What do you mean?
Well, from what you've told me, he doesn't try to make things happen. For him it's not about doing, it's about just being. Maybe ambition is self-defeating in some ways.
Maybe. I think his way has its limits too, though.
Yeah...
I'm sleepy.
Me too.
Let's sleep, then.

posted by enjelani @ 02:02 PM PST

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