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8 April 2002 (Monday): temporary despair

Here it comes again: mini-depression. I get these periodically, when I suddenly don't see the point of anything I'm doing or planning to do. I suppose Saturday's post was a warning sign.

It's a scary thing, to greet the day and believe that you have nothing to look forward to. That frustration and burnout are inevitable, that your dreams are foolish -- that everything you think you want in life, those sparkling castles in the air that you're working so hard to anchor on solid ground, always turn out to be covered in graffiti when you get up close, and smell faintly of urine.

This will pass, as it always has. Times like this I'm grateful for my little veneer of calm, this veil that stands between me and the furthest depths of any emotion. I resent it when it keeps me dry-eyed in the face of incredible beauty, but it also keeps moments like these from screwing up my life. I'm showing no outward signs of giving up anything. Just feeling a quiet tugging toward an abyss.

Suppose I could blame it on having watched Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas last night. Two hours of delusion and disillusionment in every shade of neon. Yay. Oh, I feel good about the American Dream now, baby, you betcha.

posted by enjelani @ 03:30 PM PST

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