enjelani's journal - the last embassy

the last embassy
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10 April 2002 (Wednesday): three feet across

In Moab a few weekends back, Emmett and I left our bikes at the end of the trail and hiked on foot to the top of the bluffs. Other biker-tourists wandered around snapping photos while Emmett, as usual, set his gaze on a new challenge. "Think we can get over there?" he asked, pointing to the more precarious-looking formations beyond the vista point. I shrugged, and took his camera while he scurried out of sight among the boulders. "Over here," he called finally, and I heard the solid smack of his sneakers hitting rock. "Jump over this bit and then it's easy climbing all the way."

I looked where he pointed: a tiny ledge at the end of a short steep descent, and a similar ledge on the other side. Between them was a narrow crevasse; even in the midday sun, I couldn't see all the way to the bottom to tell how deep it was. My palms grew damp. I stuck his camera in my jacket pocket and picked my way carefully down to the ledge.

"I think I'm thinking too much," I said.
"Oh don't look down," Emmett laughed. "Just hop across. It's nothing. Like three feet, if that."
"I know," I said, "I know."
"Come on."
"Coming." Before I could form another thought in my head I jumped. I landed. I scrambled up the incline and handed the camera back to Emmett, who gave me a grin without a hint of condescension.

This has become a fine metaphor for my life lately.

I've decided that at this point, at the tender age of 23 when I am accountable only to myself, it is more important to try than to make the right decision. Between excessive caution and impulsive foolhardiness, I'm going to choose to be a fool. To make mistakes. To learn the hard way. To go ahead and do things that pique my curiosity and see what happens.

So I took the apartment I saw the other day. I bought a new bed. And I'm going to sign a contract with this label. (Those of you who follow my music career, please, sshhhhh on this until the ink's dried. Thankee.) And the feeling I get when I make these decisions is remarkably similar to that heart-in-throat sensation of being in midair, in the split second after you leave the ground and before you collide with it again. Three feet across. Don't look down. See how easy that was? How completely insignificant the distance? Now we can climb over here and see what kind of landscape unfolds before our eyes.

I have a feeling it'll be well worth the trip.

posted by enjelani @ 11:47 PM PST

Replies: 2 comments

"Between excessive caution and impulsive foolhardiness, I'm going to choose to be a fool. To make mistakes. To learn the hard way. To go ahead and do things that pique my curiosity and see what happens."

Ya know? The thought of *me* doing that, adopting that philosophy... SCARES THE CRAP out of me.

I have problems letting go, flowing, and not over-analyzing. I can't just have "flings", I can't just "date" people, and I can't let days go by without thinking them to death.

I wonder what my life would be like if I just acted on instincts.

Interesting.

posted by syndromes @ 07 07 2002 02:19 AM PST

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