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26 April 2002 (Friday) yaaaaaa
Things are going slightly better today. Well, not so much that as my attitude is a lot less bitter and self-pitying. It's all no big deal, anyway...all work-related stuff plus some minor tiffs with people I'm close to. I think that's the real reason I didn't share details here: because no one would have much sympathy if they knew what all the hoopla was really about. It's Bring Your Kids To Work Day here at the office. One colleague brought his nine-year-old daughter, another his five-year-old boy -- they've been running around doing that simultaneously-delighting-and-terrorizing thing that kids do in staid corporate settings. The girl took over my whiteboard and wrote NEVER GIVE UP! in big blue letters. Thanks, I told her, I actually needed that.
posted by enjelani @ 05:13 PM PST [ link ]
25 April 2002 (Thursday) tunnels
I am having a Bad Day. Won't go into details -- I've been whiny enough to Soren today, so I won't burden you, dear readers, with why various aspects of these past twenty-four hours sucked ass. Once again, I get what I ask for. Part of me is feeling mighty sorry for myself, and part of me is laughing: "Isn't this what you wanted? When this is over, trust me, you're gonna feel so good..."
posted by enjelani @ 08:05 PM PST [ link ]
danger danger
It appears, of late, that when I'm happy with everything else in my life, I hate my job, and when I'm moody and frustrated with something else, I code like a demon and crank out functional specs like nobody's business. I wonder what this means. Always unfortunate when I have an immature pissed-off reaction to someone close to me. (No, not Soren. Figure I'll stop rumors of relationship crisis before they start...) I don't want to be upset. But sometimes the closer people get to me, the bigger the bright red DO NOT PUSH buttons are...I suppose they can't help but bump up against mine sometimes, and I against theirs. God damn, I need to get over this already.
posted by enjelani @ 11:27 AM PST [ link ]
24 April 2002 (Wednesday) gratitude
When I was coming down Haleakala on Maui four years ago, on the second-day descent from Kapalaoa to Kipahulu, I fell on a steep incline and just lay there. There was no shade for miles, and no water for even further. Anything for a cool drink, I thought. Anything for the cover of leaves, the shadow of a cloud. Hell, anything to have enough daylight left that I could just sleep here for a while. That's all I ask. When I was in college, dragging myself to the computer lab for the umpteenth time in three days without sleep, I thought: oh, to be done with this. To be out of school, to be making money I can spend, to go home at night and do what I want to do without projects and papers and problem sets hanging over my head. That's all I ask. When I sat in the cafeteria at lunch on my first day of work two years ago, having decided to break up with Zach for the first time the night before, I tried in vain to make pleasant conversation with one of the interns. She was nice enough and had absolutely nothing in common with me, particularly in my state of crushing heartbreak. It took all I had just to breathe and chew and get up to put one foot in front of the other. I don't want to feel like this, I thought. Let me feel anything but this. I can't take it. Let this pass. That's all I ask. I need to remember these moments. I got what I asked for. And if I keep forgetting, then may I be sent back into those places of pain and confusion and exhaustion every now and again, to be reminded of my blessings.
posted by enjelani @ 04:45 PM PST [ link ]
23 April 2002 (Tuesday) productivity, baby
I would just like to say that developing on a slow computer blows chunks. Large enough to stun an elephant. On a very related note, it seems imbecilic to me that "Cancel Build" takes longer to run than "Build." And that my IDE has decided to parse all my source files, without consulting me as to whether I would like it to do this, and that it has (so far) taken fifteen minutes to do so. Oh look, it just crashed.
posted by enjelani @ 06:19 PM PST [ link ]
stack and heap
My little brother is currently slogging bravely through one of the more challenging introductory programming courses. Ain't getting much sleep, it looks like. Hey, I remember that! From: Enjelani
To: Emmett
Subject: digital camera helloo Mr. CS107 - i'm going to try and sell some things when i move to my new apartment, and
i was wondering if i could borrow your camera so i can take pictures of
the items when i post the ads on the internet. if so, let me know when's
a good time for you and i'll come by to pick it up. thanks! The Former Ms. CS107
From: Emmett
To: Enjelani
Subject: RE: digital camera
Hello, booger. Whew. For a moment there when you said you were going to sell some thing, I thought you were going to try to sell my digital camera. In any case, you can stop by anytime to pick up the camera. Just give a call beforehand to make sure either my roommate or I am in the room. Even if we're not, I can teach you this neat little trick with a clotheshanger that will enable you to get the camera anyway . . . but when I'm teaching you, I might as well give you the camera right then and there.
Mr. CS107
P.S. When I woke up to my alarm today, I was worried because apparently I had forgotten to free the alarm. But then that was okay, because I never allocated myself in the first place. Then again, until I allocated myself, I couldn't get out of bed.
My drowsy brain does weird things.
posted by enjelani @ 09:11 AM PST [ link ]
22 April 2002 (Monday) soapbox day
This is going to be a linky post. A few activism-tinged things worth mentioning... Harper's Magazine reveals that the American Automobile Association (AAA) has been actively lobbying for years against expanding public transportation and increasing fuel efficiency. There goes another thing I thought I could buy with a clean conscience. I wonder if I should write them an indignant letter as a member, or just not renew this year. A year ago Zach got the two of us tickets to a lecture by Amory Lovins, who was essentially on a book tour to promote Natural Capitalism: Creating The Next Industrial Revolution. I can't remember the last time I walked out of an auditorium feeling so buoyed and optimistic -- here at last was environmentalism that made sense, that answered the corporations' perennial question to activists: "What's in it for me?" Today's second hour of Forum on KQED radio focused on the same theme: partnering ecological stewardship with profitability. There is hope yet.
>> more...
posted by enjelani @ 11:46 AM PST [ link ]
21 April 2002 (Sunday) wonderland
I was sitting in a Chinese take-out place in a shopping mall this afternoon, along a wall of mirrors. In my field of view were half a patio table, half a stucco pillar, and the parking lot beyond. A car drove past, behind the pillar, and because of the mirrors I fully expected it to come out the other side...but it just vanished. People ambled along the sidewalk, crossed the threshold marked by that pillar and were never seen again. Meanwhile, a girl was sitting at the table having a heated conversation with a clone of herself. But they kept interrupting one another, and finally both of them burst into tears. About an hour later, out of nowhere, I remembered a moment from seventh grade. I'd been invited to a sort-of-friend's birthday party, and immediately sensed that I was out of my element. Earlier that weekend I'd been digging canals in the back yard with Emmett and writing stories about our stuffed animals; these girls were discussing nail polish and wanting to watch Basic Instinct. On the ride to the movie theater, conversation settled on (surprise, surprise) boys. Decidedly clueless but desperate to contribute, I blurted out, "Now if you really wanna see some cuties, check out the guys in the soap operas." "Ewww!" the others screamed in chorus. I thought fast and put on my best exasperated face. "I was being sarcastic, you guys. Duh." Laughter, and acceptance. Inward sigh of relief. Sometimes life still imitates seventh grade. I'm trying to be more honest these days, both about my ignorance (I didn't watch soaps) and about my taste (but from the glimpses I caught, the guys in them were sort of cute, in that prefab sort of way). And I try not to hang out with the nail-polish people.
posted by enjelani @ 07:37 PM PST [ link ]
sleeptalking
Things muttered by me while drifting awake yesterday morning -- cobbled together here from Soren's vague recollection (and mine, even vaguer): "The cables are color-coded, see. Blue. And red. And yellow. Or is it orange? The problem is, I can't remember what they stand for...and which color is mine?" "You're all the colors," Soren apparently said, unfazed as usual. "That's the real confusion." "There's together-mode and alone-mode," I continued, ignoring him. "Zach and I were together-mode, always, and that was the problem. With Soren there's both together-mode and alone-mode. The question is, what happens when I'm in alone-mode and Soren shows up?" To which he replied: "You go into together-mode, have breakfast with him and then go back to alone-mode. To living the life that's your own." Then I woke up. And we went out for breakfast. I actually did say "Zach" and "Soren," oddly enough, instead of using their real names. I'm going to have trouble keeping a grip on reality in my old age, I tell you. Not that I don't already have trouble with it...
posted by enjelani @ 01:01 AM PST [ link ]
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