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24 April 2002 (Wednesday): gratitude

When I was coming down Haleakala on Maui four years ago, on the second-day descent from Kapalaoa to Kipahulu, I fell on a steep incline and just lay there. There was no shade for miles, and no water for even further. Anything for a cool drink, I thought. Anything for the cover of leaves, the shadow of a cloud. Hell, anything to have enough daylight left that I could just sleep here for a while. That's all I ask.

When I was in college, dragging myself to the computer lab for the umpteenth time in three days without sleep, I thought: oh, to be done with this. To be out of school, to be making money I can spend, to go home at night and do what I want to do without projects and papers and problem sets hanging over my head. That's all I ask.

When I sat in the cafeteria at lunch on my first day of work two years ago, having decided to break up with Zach for the first time the night before, I tried in vain to make pleasant conversation with one of the interns. She was nice enough and had absolutely nothing in common with me, particularly in my state of crushing heartbreak. It took all I had just to breathe and chew and get up to put one foot in front of the other. I don't want to feel like this, I thought. Let me feel anything but this. I can't take it. Let this pass. That's all I ask.

I need to remember these moments. I got what I asked for. And if I keep forgetting, then may I be sent back into those places of pain and confusion and exhaustion every now and again, to be reminded of my blessings.

posted by enjelani @ 04:45 PM PST