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12 June 2003 (Thursday): the utility of bunnies
I've been reading old diaries from high school. Much of it makes me wince amusedly in its naivete, as is to be expected, but much of it saddens me, too. Over the years, slowly and steadily like an erosion, I've sold out.
My original idea of my life's purpose was simple and selfless: committing my skills and talents to where my world most needs them. Studying medicine and joining Doctors Without Borders in sub-Saharan Africa, maybe. Or teaching kids in low-income neighborhoods, staying after school to help them with homework. Or designing the next generation of solar panels. Once upon a time I had much grander designs, bigger dreams than a life of comfort and day-to-day pleasures.
These days especially, with volatile nations struggling to call truces and rebuild, I feel like I should be doing something more significant with my time than earning bank deposits and keeping myself happy. I should be learning Arabic and buying a plane ticket. I should be making a difference, whatever that means.
But it's not a fire in my brain -- just a nagging guilt, a floating question. I know I'm not going to act on it. I've lived my whole life inside a rainbow-colored bubble and I know there's a war on outside, but there's no immediacy to it, no desperate cry to action. Besides, there's no clear sense of what I'm supposed to do. It's not as though I have an great ear for languages, or an uncanny knack for organizing things like vaccination drives (hell, I can barely organize a picnic). My talents seem to be of the mulling-things-over and creating-pretty-stuff variety, which is hardly the most useful set of inclinations. It's as though the kingdom needs a sorcerer who can stop floods, but I'm only good at turning scarves into bunnies.
Still, hardly an excuse. Work lets up in about six months; if I'm not learning to stop floods then, I'll at least be building levees. (Not out of bunnies, I hope.)
posted by enjelani @ 10:56 PM PST
Replies: 8 comments
Ah, the beauty of charitable giving... if you haven't the skill to do it yourself, you can always give the money to someone who does. It's the next best thing to being the kind of hero you've always wanted to be.
Okay, I admit... it's not remotely the same thing.
But lots of people indulge in vicarious achievement to serve selfish means. So why not engage in somewhat more noble vicarious deeds?
posted by m. mellow @ 13 06 2003 01:08 AM PST
Who says you're not giving in your current profession? There are certainly people receiving from you in very positive ways. Or is the issue one of absolute selflessness? I'm not sure I believe in pure altruism. It carries with it certain residue that even the most brave and devoted people deal with. Is one really helping others or helping him/herself?
Each of us has his own little corner of the universe and the better individuals engage in work that has a positive effect on the world. You may not be coming under enemy fire in Sierra Leone while setting up IVs in a hospital tent. But I'd say you're doing just fine. :)
posted by jim @ 13 06 2003 11:42 AM PST
Ditto what Jim said.
And I think there is power in pretty things. Or a better phrase maybe, there is power in lovingly-crafted things. If pouring your heart into your craft isn't an act of giving, I don't know what is. Not selfless, no, but that just makes it an even better deal for all involved, I think.
And there is definitely power in transformation. You're an alchemist. :)
posted by zach @ 13 06 2003 12:54 PM PST
Zach pretty much said what I was gonna say. So, yeah. :-)
The world is a better place because of what you create. It's just much harder to measure the effect an artist has on her audience than the effect, say, that a doctor has on her patients. (And as a teacher, I might also add that even in my career, one can never be sure of the difference one is making in the world. There are little successes, but the most important ones simply aren't measurable.)
Anyway... this world needs as much "pretty stuff" as it can get, these days.
On a totally different note, your scarves-into-bunnies analogy reminded me of your days in CS... whatever happened to those darn stampeding rhinos? ;-)
posted by Lynn @ 13 06 2003 03:50 PM PST
When it is all over, what you did will be dust, but what you became will last forever.
posted by Theo @ 14 06 2003 05:57 PM PST
When we speak of making a difference in the world, which image comes to mind first: feeding the homeless, or writing an opera? That is to say, do we speak of advancing the frontier of human achievement, or of alleviating the worst of human suffering? Too often, I think, only the latter is recognized as a noble effort; art, science, and craftsmanship are considered self-indulgent pursuits. I sometimes wonder why this is.
I think that making a difference is not a duty but a personal choice, and which difference to make is also a personal choice. You can create beauty and inspiration in art, send a probe to Mars, make America more free and just, save lives in Sierra Leone. I don't know which of these the world needs more, but even if I did know, it shouldn't automatically dictate your choice. We do not live merely to serve the needs of someone or something else; life would be a misery if we did.
posted by beefeater @ 15 06 2003 10:28 AM PST
> I sometimes wonder why this is.
It's not difficult to see why. Compassion is an incredibly powerful emotion. Human suffering is tangible, immediate, recognizable. Art, science, et al are less easy to define and less easy to justify. They are seen as benefits rather than needs. The nobility you speak of lies in the admiration of those who battle the demons of society more than those who chase angels. So it's not difficult to see why one carries with it a larger degree of valor.
I'm not saying that one is any more valid than the other. In fact, if pressed, I'd say that exceptional acts of artistry are probably more important to the world than exceptional acts of compassion. Inspiration over reparation. But for everyday people, there's an issue of supply and demand at work. The world doesn't need any more average artists. But it needs a hell of a lot more average activists.
posted by jim @ 15 06 2003 05:09 PM PST
Before you buy that plane ticket, read up on Amy Biehl. Hers is a heart wrenching and deeply ironic fate. Yes, she did have a profoundly positive and lasting impact on the world. But unfortunately, it came at a profound cost to her and her family.
I'd be inclined to stay in the happy wonderful world you see around you and shower the rest of the world with the abundant beauty and joy you conjure. Half the reason you see rainbows and bunnies is because you choose to see the world that way; others looking at the same stuff may choose to see rain and rodents. Don't knock yourself for being a source of rare light.
posted by bill @ 15 06 2003 10:32 PM PST