the last embassy
enjelani's journal archives

[ cast of characters ]

[ go to the archives ] [ return to the present ]

[ previous: "state of suspension" ] [ return to the present ] [ next: "homebody" ]

1 May 2002 (Wednesday): roundabout love letters

Excerpts from a fit of tandem daydreaming. "You guys are weird," Emmett told me when I recapped for him on a hike last winter. "What are you imagining sad things for?"

The snow falls sparsely, but comes down in fast, heavy flakes. It's a warm snow. Winter is finally establishing himself, but does so shyly, gradually pushing autumn aside and thanking her for her contribution. My wife and I have always loved taking a walk together while the first flakes of the season fall. The familiar and well-trodden paths are still visible, leaves still blanket the woods, and the change of seasons has always held special meaning for us. Seasons are like inevitable moods welcomed without fear, reminders that life moves on and always changes.


No, I think as I watch him scoop Jen up and kiss her on the forehead; no, I donít want him to go either. Of course I want him to take these assignments. He wouldnít be the man I married if he didnít stay true to his dreams, if his eyes didnít light up at the prospect of venturing into yet another unknown. Weíre both lucky to make our living doing what we love, I know, and weíve taken on the accompanying challenges willingly. But at the same time I look at him from across the room and part of me is so frightened of losing him to that dangerous world, so dreading the nights of waking up at 4 a.m. and reaching instinctively for his hand, only to find myself alone. Weíve done it before. It doesnít get any easier.


She walks toward where we are at the doorway and stops before entering the hallway. Slowly, she leans her weight against the wall, shoulders hunched a bit, arms tightly wrapped around her. She smiles softly, watching the three of us, and then leans her head against the same wall.

I'm watching her, responding absently to my daughters' musical chatter, trying to photograph in my mind the beauty that I see in front of me, wanting to capture this moment outside of time, and recall it at will for the hard months ahead.


But itís worth it, I think to myself, and in that instant he turns to me and our eyes connect. Itís worth it. I feel myself start to smile, repeating it in my head. Right now, I think, heís holding the girls in his arms, weíre all safe and warm, and we all love one another. This is home. Everything we ever asked for. Trust in the beauty of it, this moment. Itíll see us through.

I move to him, lifting my hand to tuck a wayward strand of hair back over his ear. Goodbye, I try to say, but instead of words come tears, and I put my head against his shoulder and wrap my arms around him. Safe journey, love, I tell him silently, knowing that he hears me. Iíll be with you.

posted by enjelani @ 08:26 PM PST

Replies: 1 comment

Beautiful. Thank you.

posted by Moonpuddle @ 02 05 2002 11:03 AM PST