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11 February 2002 (Monday): breaking free

It was Zach's twenty-fifth birthday yesterday. I got him a Premium subscription to Salon.com. Given our current state of communicating mostly through email and online chatting, it seemed apropos. He's also started an online journal himself -- yet another byte-based form of communication, though more indirect than the others. I just saw it for the first time today; maybe I'll link to it soon.

While reading through it, I had a bittersweet sort of realization. Everything that I've always loved most about him seems to be coming through there in his journal: his passion for learning, his curiosity about and instinctive understanding of life's deeper patterns. And as he alluded to making new
friends, studying Japanese, practicing aikido, filling his hours and days with what he's always wanted to do...it was then that I finally realized why we'd broken up.

We had been holding each other back.

In many ways we were good for each other, a perfect fit -- but in a few very important ways, we weren't. Part of the problem was the relationship itself, because it consumed all our time and energy. It was just too comfortable, simply being together. It left no room for our own private lives to develop -- and I think we're bound for rather different paths, Zach and I -- so despite all our happy times there was a thread of restlessness, even resentment, weaving through it all. He was the first to realize what was happening, was the first to say it out loud. At the time I was so hurt by those words, wanting so much to feel sure about things, to hear that he was sure. Over time I tried to tell myself that I'd chosen, that the search was over, and all that remained to do was for Zach to wake up and tell me the same. But I think deep down I knew, too. I knew this wasn't it. I just didn't want to believe what my gut was telling me.

Neither of us had the courage to end something so familiar and wonderful as what we had. It didn't make sense, abandoning love. In the end it was Soren and his crash-landing into my thoughts, asking me to have hope for what I might discover in him, that served as the catalyst. To recap from an earlier entry, the breakup was entirely my doing. I left Zach to be with Soren; it was simply something I decided I had to do. What's eluded me until now, and what's haunted us all, is the why. I'm seeing now that it was the only way Zach and I could open ourselves up to all the possibilities that awaited us, to cut ourselves loose and go sailing forward into our respective lives, without the reassurance -- and handicap -- of a safety net. We're becoming now, both of us, something we could never have done at each other's side. I'm only sorry for the painful injustice of it: he saw the truth when I refused to see, and yet he's the one who has to go this alone. I'm sorry for that. I'd pay the full cost of my own choices if I could.

Good luck in your journey, dear Zachary. You'll find what you're looking for.

Of course, an entry like this begs the question: what is Soren, then? Is he the one? But I'm not going to answer that question here. I know better than to issue any kind of public verdict on a current relationship, especially a relationship as new as this one. I will tell this story: last Friday, after having not seen each other all week, Soren and I agreed to meet at a nightclub midway between his place and mine. When I caught his eye from across the room, he walked toward me without a word, wrapped his arms tightly around me and wouldn't let go. I wouldn't let go either. We must have looked strange, there in that club on a Friday night, sharing something at once more innocent and far more profound than what people generally go to find in such places. Both of us understood everything in that moment. There comes a point sometimes when language is useless, unable even to approximate what's going on, and all you need is to feel someone's heartbeat through your own body to know the truth.

posted by enjelani @ 06:21 PM PST

Replies: 1 comment

Sistah (as the night goes on and I become more (yes EVEN more!) prone to others emotional influences), I HEAR YA on that last little blurb about heartbeats.

The right hugs/embraces are able to transcend so much... When they happen, nothing else besides the embrace matters. Outside influences cease. You feel wrapped in a nice warm fuzzy blank of total suuport and acceptance.

Unfortunately for me, I don't let myself fall into those embraces often enough. The last one I can remember was probably a few years ago, but those sorts of embraces, you can still feel the ripples of today.

Ohh... I need a hug :)

posted by syndromes @ 05 07 2002 12:54 AM PST