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18 January 2002 (Friday): history lesson

Zach and I are at this weird sort of stage right now. There was a bit of drama surrounding the transition between him and Soren -- namely, there wasn't much of one. In brief: I got a crush on Soren when I was with Zach (who knew about it) and waited for it to go away, which it didn't. Then one day, apparently after several weeks of guilt-tinged agonizing, Soren confessed that he was attracted to me too. I was floored. Thing was, Zach and I were doing well at the time, had been doing well for most of our going-on-four years together; we'd had numerous discussions about getting married, though we'd agreed that neither of us was ready for it just yet. This was not exactly your easy-to-break-it-off sort of relationship.

And yet that's exactly what I ended up doing...walking away from someone I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with, to be with a person I hardly knew at the time, and about whom I had more than a handful of doubts. I told everything to Zach, who essentially said "do whatever you feel is right." Then I left him and began dating Soren with an ease that bewildered everyone involved, including me.

Granted, Soren is amazing, and I've been surprised and a little frightened at how wonderful it all is and how quickly our feelings for each other have grown. So I guess my instincts were right about something. But still...I'm sure Zach is still wondering how I could have done this without so much as a backward glance, how we could have had something as good as we did and have it vanish so completely without warning. Soren occasionally wonders that too, and what it implies about how much he should trust me. I have a somewhat dubious reputation among Soren's friends, who don't know much about me beyond the story of how I became his girlfriend, and sometimes I wonder whether the disapproving whispers aren't well-deserved.

Zach is angry with me, understandably. It's hard for him to be around me, and generally he avoids me whenever possible. Noble soul that he is, though, he does wish me luck with my new relationship, and hasn't done anything to interfere with it. The breakup happened over three months ago, and recently we've started to reach out to one another again, tentatively, trying to redefine our connection as friends instead of lovers. "I'm not past missing you as my girlfriend," he wrote me, "but I also miss you as my friend...seeing the space between those things isn't easy yet. Particularly since we were never really friends only. I'm not even sure what that's like."

I'm not sure either. I hope we can work something out.

So there's your introduction to my love life. More background and detail to follow in future entries, I'm sure.

posted by enjelani @ 01:42 PM PST

Replies: 1 comment

Wow... I should have read this earlier :/ It definately helps me understand the situation you and Zach went through.

I don't think anyone involved did anything wrong, or even regretful (from the little synopsis you posted). Relationships to me aren't at all about posession. Be with me because you WANT to be with me, not because you feel trapped with me or have some distorted sense of "commitment" to me. Don't get me wrong, if we are committed, i'm all for working things out, *IF* there is something to work out. But the disapproving whispers don't sound valid to me. You did what you felt was right. If it doesn't work out with Zach, Soren, or anyone else, that doesn't validate anyones disapproval. It only says you were as real and honest with yourself at that time as you could be.

Oprah always has some quote that Maya Angelou said... Something along the lines of; "You did what you knew how to do at that time. And when you knew better, you did better." That's all that *I* ask out of commitment :) Love me, care for me, wrap your arms around me, as much as you can. But if you can no longer hold onto us like you once did, sometimes it's better to let go. Who wants to live a lie or be settled for?

posted by syndromes @ 04 07 2002 09:38 PM PST