8 November 2002 (Friday)

it's all in your head

It is profoundly stupid, how bad I am at being alone in times like these. In some things I have so, so much to learn.

I am going to go make cookies, and then read a book.

posted by enjelani @ 10:29 PM PST [ link ]

the dull hum

Ever have one of those days where you feel like the world's biggest wimp? I just worked diligently for a little less than two hours, calling people, updating documents, replying to emails, researching leads, and now I feel like whimpering. "This is so haaaaard...I want my mommmmy..."

Here's my problem: in adult life, there is never closure. I used to sprint for the finish line when I knew there was one; I didn't mind working my ass off in school, when I knew exactly what the end goal was. But I'm not hammering away at a final exam or project here, after which I can close the books and go home for the holidays. A career -- a life, too -- is an ongoing process, a neverending queue of items to tackle. Things come up, come due, and lead to six other things that come up and come due. It's never as intense as an end-of-semester deadline, and maybe that's exactly what I miss: the stark contrast of stress and relaxation. These days it's settled to a dull hum, a little of both at every hour of the day. Two years out of school and I'm still not used to it.

Eventually I will adjust, I'm sure. Will have to.

Oh, I know why I'm cranky. I haven't eaten yet today. Scratch that, I just need some minestrone soup.

posted by enjelani @ 04:44 PM PST [ link ]

online fortune cookies

"Liberty is a fine thing, but it does not exist to goad the timid, but rather as a mercy to the irrepressibly bold, that they might not be suffocated."

- Cary Tennis

"Childhood should be a series of revealed secrets."

- Neil Postman (paraphrased)

"There is no such thing as a victory without a struggle. There is nothing wrong with being afraid. It is easier to laugh than to cry."

- enjelani, age 15

posted by enjelani @ 01:00 AM PST [ link ]

5 November 2002 (Tuesday)

goodbye and hello

The personal is political, as they always say. On the microcosmic level, I think something historical has happened.

- I choose you. I choose you and I'm not looking back.
- Wait just a minute though.
- What?
- We've been over this before: you don't have to decide this right now. We can take our time with this, see how things progress. If they get worse, if it becomes a matter of losing one or the other, I don't want to you feel trapped by a promise you made.
- No, let me explain what I meant.
- Okay.
- I mean that it's not going to be about them. It's not going to be their life to dictate, theirs to prevent or to allow. It's going to be about us, and not what someone else thinks of it.
- ...okay.
- Maybe I said it wrong just now. What I really mean is: I choose me.
- There you go.
- I choose to trust my own judgment, to take responsibility for my own decisions. I choose that and I'm not looking back.
- That's more like it. That's what really matters.

Off to the voting booth.

posted by enjelani @ 02:59 PM PST [ link ]

4 November 2002 (Monday)

huh? part ii

The plot thickens. Lord, how I hate being a one-person culture clash. I've got one of those dull headaches that one gets from crying too much.

On a happier note, the puppy and I have discovered hide-and-seek. Now that she consistently obeys "sit" and "stay," I can go hide anywhere in the house and then call her name. She threw a joyous fit after finally uprooting me from under the covers of Liz's bed, following a good thirty seconds of confused sniffing.

posted by enjelani @ 10:46 AM PST [ link ]