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enjelani's journal archives

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10 May 2002 (Friday)

halfway grown up

The problem with handling difficult situations well, I've found, is that I'm capable of it, but it's always accompanied by this undercurrent of smug self-satisfaction, even an unwarranted sense of superiority. In the long run this only makes the difficult situation worse, rather than giving it the neatly-bandaged sort of closure I was striving for in the first place. I don't want to walk away feeling all high and mighty, just because I acted mature like I'm supposed to. I want everyone to feel that something good came out of the whole mess, that's all.

Need to get rid of the little nyah-nyah girl living in my head.

In other news, there was an oboe concerto playing on the classical station as I took the shortcut route to work this morning, winding through fields of softly undulating grass and the moody silhouettes of oak trees. It all fit, the visual and the aural. Despite running late for a meeting, I had to smile.

Oh, and the city is beautiful in early morning. I think of cities as nighttime creatures, rows of glittering lights burning far into the dark hours. But it welcomes the sunrise too, just as hills and forests do.

Will you be there in the back of my mind, today? It's going to be hard.
Of course. I'll be holding your hand. Whispering things in your ear to make you laugh. I'll be there.

posted by enjelani @ 04:43 PM PST [ link ]

8 May 2002 (Wednesday)

sooner or later

They will find me. Just like the wireless camera popup windows and the penis enlargement emails and other forms of spam, sooner or later someone's going to come stomping through my comments-garden and leave a couple of personal insults. I wonder how I'll react.

No no no, I'm not talking about the recent foray into political discussion. I love that stuff. Thank you Zach, thank you Soren, thank you Moonie. But echeng.com and tow.com have been battling anonymous mudslingers lately, and dardy had a mysterious spoofer leaving comments on his behalf in other people's blogs for a while; now amabelle's had to start dealing with comments that call her an attention whore. Ugh.

Recently Soren quoted (paraphrased?) Lyndon Johnson, in a conversation we were having about the civil rights movement: "I can't change the way people think, only the way they act in public." The 'net is a fascinating neither-both zone between the public and the private. Here we prance around naked and air our dirty laundry, fart and belch and sing off-key in the shower, but somehow we're also in the newsroom, the drugstore, the elementary-school PTA meeting at the same time. The usual rules and consequences go out the window.

On a related note, I've been watching the karma points here with great curiosity. I'm determined not to post based on ratings, but it's been interesting to see the reaction that different topics elicit.

posted by enjelani @ 04:37 PM PST [ link ]

7 May 2002 (Tuesday)

you over there, on the right

Thank you, Salon. I've found a conservative I don't mind reading: David Horowitz. He's provocative as all hell, I realize, but at least he makes me think rather than shake my head in disgust at yet another example of narrowminded idiocy.

His latest column attacks the woefully imbalanced representation of the political spectrum on college campuses: everyone on the left, no one on the right. It brought back a few memories of my own undergraduate experience. Real political dialogue seemed dangerously absent -- not so much in the information we were given, as Horowitz complains, but in the mindset of my peers.

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posted by enjelani @ 08:57 PM PST [ link ]

fragmentation

A sixteen-hour day at the office makes yours truly a dull-witted girl indeed. All day I've been wanting to post on a particular eloquence-requiring subject, but I'm not sure if I feel up to the challenge now, after nine straight hours of staring at table cell validation code.

I am very much wanting to have my hands on a musical instrument just now. Maybe I'll go sing in the stairwell before I head home. Hearing oneself Phonoshopped by natural reverb usually smooths out a few frayed edges.

Here, how 'bout another excerpt from the private diary: postcards from a place I'm glad to have escaped. I have no idea whether anyone else will find this interesting -- hence why it went in the diary instead of here, back when it was originally written. I'm warning you: it's a little intense, in that angsty self-absorbed sort of way, and probably more you care to know about my personal battles. (Of course, none of this is making you any less curious, is it?)

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posted by enjelani @ 12:58 AM PST [ link ]