the last embassy
enjelani's journal archives

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24 January 2002 (Thursday)

not because i have to, but because i want to

There's nothing in the world quite like struggling with a black mood all day, leaving work and hitting a nasty traffic jam on the way to your second job, making you late for said job, watching the clock and hoping to god that this night gets over with soon -- and looking up to find that your boyfriend has driven fifty miles just to come give you a hug.

Soren is too cool for words.

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posted by enjelani @ 01:15 PM PST [ link ]

23 January 2002 (Wednesday)

song infatuation

Every now and then I have a torrid affair with a song. I have to listen to it over and over and over again, and just hearing it makes me close my eyes and inhale deeply, grinning like an idiot from sheer bliss. Song and I have to be together all the time, every spare moment, and it haunts me when it's not here in the flesh (or in the CD player, anyway). Then one day it all just ends. No more love-of-my-life feelings. No more making out while in line for amusement park rides. We go our separate ways, and I feel vaguely cheated even though I know no one's at fault. And many years later, we meet up again, by chance, have a drink (just cranberry juice for me, thanks) and shake our heads as we reminisce about our passionate days.

My current lover-song is an overplayed rock anthem. I sniffed unappreciatively the first time I saw the video on MTV. I can't tell you why I'm so obsessed with it right now. All I know is that when I'm driving on the highway with it blasting from my speakers and there's sun breaking through the clouds over there by the mountains, life never felt so good.

And no, I'm not going to tell you what it is. (I've got multiple CD players, so it's not off the album listed over there on the left. Nice try.) If you love it too, I'll be reminded that I share this song with millions of other people, which is not something I want to think about right now, and if you don't love it, then you'll think I have questionable taste in music. No-win situation. I ain't talking.

posted by enjelani @ 02:13 AM PST [ link ]

22 January 2002 (Tuesday)

masochistic streak

I got a pomegranate mimosa at brunch the other day. I don't know what possessed me, after my little adventure in alcohol poisoning at the DNA Lounge a few months ago. As for the mimosa, it had the expected effect: after drinking all of three sips, my face rashed over, I got a nasty headache, my pulse started pounding and the room seemed to get very cold. And this went on for a good three hours, with nary a buzz. Drinking for me is about as fun as climbing into wet jeans on day 4 of a camping trip. It only sounds amusing afterwards.

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posted by enjelani @ 12:10 AM PST [ link ]

21 January 2002 (Monday)

PMS!

It took me a long time to notice/acknowledge that I get PMS. I've been a sort of tomboy all my life (if a girl can have no particular interest in sports and enjoy baking cookies and still call herself a tomboy. Well, at least I climb trees), so I was rather chagrined to find that my emotions are sometimes beholden to my menstrual cycle. That my irrational spells fit a neat four-week pattern. Grrr.

Still, the correlation eluded me for years. I am exempt from cramps and other nasty physical symptoms, and my crankiness is still a lot more subtle than most of my womenfriends'. (When Ava had PMS, she'd snarl at me when I told her she had a message on the answering machine. It was kind of cute, but I was careful not to tell her that.) And at first I didn't take it out on anyone except myself, in private, and tried to reason through my unhappiness logically, which was always bewilderingly difficult. Thing is, PMS doesn't pluck fears out of thin air -- it just takes something that was already hovering in the back of my mind and amplifies it until it becomes a major issue. I can't dismiss its legitimacy entirely, nor can I give it the full weight it's asking for. But let me struggle with it all long enough and pretty soon you have me saying things out loud like "I wonder if I'm just worthless." Blech.

I'm having a day like that today. Luckily I've got it under control, for most part. You've got a case of the mental flu, I tell myself. Just drink a lot of herbal tea and take it easy. It'll pass.

posted by enjelani @ 11:17 AM PST [ link ]