the last embassy
enjelani's journal

[ cast of characters ]

in the walkman:
Noe Venable, the world is bound by secret knots

on the nightstand:
Harper's Magazine (lots of back issues)

blip on the radar:
rain against a sodium streetlight

nagging worry:
it always comes back to haunt you...

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[ previous: "living with it" ] [ return to the present ]

26 December 2003 (Friday): on to other procrastination techniques

This journal, as I'm probably the last to acknowledge, is dying, ladies and gentlemen. I've always been a poor correspondent, and now it's compounded by the fact that most of what goes on in my life must be kept under wraps -- both personal and professional. All that's left are abstract philosophical musings, which eventually bore me (possibly you too), and blather-nothings about my daily life that give nothing away about what I'm actually doing, which bores me even faster. There's also politics, about which I am woefully uninformed and better off reading than writing, at this point. So. My friends, you will have to connect with me some other way. Strangers, thanks for stopping by, despite the BLOWOUT SALE sign.

For those of you who would like to know: life is good. I am happy. (I've figured out by now that I have chronic episodic depression, or something like it, which means every few months or so I lie on the floor and think about ways to kill myself, but really this is exaggerating the matter and it's a head cold compared to what other people go through. In any case I don't have a head cold right now.) I have everything that I could ever want, and I'm aware of all of it the instant I wake up in the morning. I am surrounded by love. I have remarkable friends, many of whom are also impressive to boot, but this is not what makes them remarkable to me. I have a family whose gatherings always seem like Rockwell paintings. I have Soren, whom I have explained enough. And, recently, I have had time. To breathe, if nothing else. It feels good.

A long warm hug to you, yes you. Happy holidays.

posted by enjelani @ 02:42 AM PST

Replies: 26 comments

Wow. You are recruited to be a double agent with the CIA.
Keeping everything under wraps.
Oh, well.

Hope all is well with you. Glad to read you are happy and being surrounded by love.

Good luck. Been fun reading.

Happy 2004.


posted by Max @ 26 12 2003 10:16 AM PST

Twas fun while it lasted! Whatever works for you, works for me, so I hope you don't feel like yer letting anyone down, or me anyway. I'm proud of you more than you know :D

But you *do* realize this means I now have an excuse to harass you in REAL life rather than solely on here right?? ;)






posted by syndromes @ 26 12 2003 10:23 AM PST

I consider meeting you one of my high points of 2002; even more, I appreciate the measure of 'behind the scenes' thoughts and vignettes you've shared here. Talk about 'beautiful souls' is abundant, but few are the Genuine Article; it's been a privledge to follow the journal of one during this time.

I'm sure the idea of setting up a whitelist/password-protected journal crossed your mind already - and I (like many people here) hope some version of the Last Embassy can survive even amidst your need to quarentine your private and professional life.

Be well, and happy holidays.


posted by pjammer @ 26 12 2003 10:45 AM PST

I want to be supportive like Syndromes, but I have to say I'd miss all those things you just called "boring." And, I'd also like to add that "hearing" you call your blog boring as I write those very things if not worse in mine is, for my fat-ass self, like listening to some barbie clone tell me that she needs to lose weight.... I think, "Well, wtf does that say about ME?" :) See you soon, lady! Merry happy!

posted by Moonpuddle @ 27 12 2003 09:08 PM PST

i guess obsessively clicking on the little "enj" in my bookmarks toolbar is a bit futile, huh? :)

bah. i like in-person time better, anyway. but i'm sure we will all miss you here.

posted by echeng @ 28 12 2003 01:07 AM PST

Bummer. You should have sold out instead - you know, outsource the writing and sell Ad space. :-P

But you gotta do what you gotta do.

*sniff* *hug*

posted by bill @ 28 12 2003 01:34 AM PST

"Outsource the writing and sell ad space." Heheh.

It is a bummer. But can't say I blame you, what with all the special ops and kung-fu training and all.

posted by Zach @ 28 12 2003 05:10 PM PST

hello. Just a comment from one of the "strangers" who's had the privilege of reading your writings here, if only for the last couple of months: I'm sorry to see The Last Embassy go. This is perhaps more because I'm someone who doesn't know you and yet wishes that I did, and to be honest, your "abstract philosophical musings" are my favorite part of the friend who is only a friend in this ethereal cyberspace world of the anonymous blog reader. Your skill for writing the simplest of moments/thoughts is an addictive guilty pleasure for the observer, and I suppose the one consolation is that I know I will still be able to enjoy this talent from far away through your workings as a "double agent with the CIA." Sigh. But I will miss the illusion of familiarity that you have provided with this online journal. However, this is a selfish note on my part, and not really being familiar with the reasoning behind why one has a blog in the first place, it is only fair to accept that your reasons have outlived their usefulness for you and to wish you luck as you go on your way...which, of course, I do! All the luck I can spare! :)

On a related note: This is the first and only blog I have ever chosen to comment on, and I just feel a need to comment on what an odd and somewhat difficult thing I find it to do. Not only have I wandered into the open door of someone's house and let my curiosity lead me to read through all the writings they have left about, whether a small note on the kitchen table or the diary left out on the nightstand, but now I have chosen to write my own musings on their bathroom wall for all to read. And I wasn't really invited in, in the first place! It does seem please forgive...

Well, I still hope that fate may someday lead to knowing you on a more personal level, but if not...then thanks for the "hug" and be well! (Oh...and Happy New Year!)

posted by uponastory @ 29 12 2003 11:58 AM PST

Sometimes you need to think of "you" and do what needs to be done. Never feel too guilty about that. Hope to be around when Moonpuddle and syndromes run into ya next to at least say hey :)

posted by Aaron @ 30 12 2003 12:32 AM PST

Will miss reading you. All things change.

posted by theo @ 30 12 2003 07:30 PM PST

I'll miss reading your blog! But you have to do what is best for YOU not for those around you. So, all I will say is happy new year, happy life, and post in other people's blogs once in awhile okay? I'll keep up with you through Mr. S and Moonpuddle. :) Thanks for all the enjoyment and thought provoking moments you have provided over the past year or two!

posted by Karin @ 31 12 2003 11:01 AM PST

well... a fond adieu for now, then.

Blogs, like so many labors of love or passion, shouldn't be forced to keep their doors open sans raison d'etre. The Last Embassy has been anything but artificial; no need to keep up mere appearances just for our sake.

But we will miss your online presence. It's brought us all moments of inspiration, giggles, and reflection in turn. An island of relief, familiarity, and wit. A happy destination at the end of a day's work. I'd not be blogging myself, if not for you.


I'll be seein' ya. Good luck with the kung-fu training ;)

posted by m. mellow @ 01 01 2004 01:52 AM PST

best wishes to you! adieu, adieu!


one less well-written island on the net to look forward to...

posted by dardi! @ 01 01 2004 04:51 PM PST

Hey Missy! Just because you aren't posting HERE anymore doesn't mean you can't comment elsewhere, okay??! :P


Love ya & miss ya!

posted by syndromes @ 27 01 2004 11:53 AM PST

Just testing! Ignore please

posted by Online CASINO @ 05 02 2004 08:01 AM PST

See, that's what happens when you ignore your blog site. The riff-raff starts taking over the streets of your happy little neighborhood.

This looks like the work of an automated script. No doubt this is a new form of SPAM. What a terrible trend this could be - people having their personal blog sites spammed by the same bastards who brought us email SPAM. I suppsoe federal regs don't include blog sites, now do they.

I hope the world wide community of bastards who sh*t SPAM into the world collectively burn in hell (if there is a hell).

If there is a human on the other end of the above Casino BlogSpam: DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE, you deserve to DIE a painful death.


posted by bill @ 05 02 2004 11:22 PM PST


I think it's dead bill...

Step away from the corpse...


posted by syndromes @ 06 02 2004 01:15 AM PST

No no no - I was saying DIE to the OnLine Casino web site that appears to have an evil-bad blog bot that posts SPAM messages on nice, innocent blog sites... not DIE to this site. I rather like this site, even if it sees no activity. Save for the random folks passing through; and aparently the evil bad blog spam bots.... It's late, cut me some slack!

posted by bill @ 06 02 2004 02:36 AM PST

I knew what you meant :)

It just cracked me up because I had an image in my head of you just kicking the crap out of some dead "casino" corpse after it had long since been dead & lifeless :)

Sort of reminiscent of 'Fargo' :)

And yes... it *is* late... Speaking of - ZZZZzzzzz....

posted by syndromes @ 06 02 2004 02:58 AM PST

Bill -- were you kicking it like you used to kick the door of your car? :)

yet another post in a dead journal,

posted by echeng @ 09 02 2004 02:13 PM PST

I'm not dead YET!
...I'm feeling much better now!!


Yeah - I had to react to the thought of people's Blog sites being spammed... what a horrible horrible web we live in if that can happen, you know?

posted by bill @ 09 02 2004 11:56 PM PST

hi, my name's soren and i like long walks on the beach and...



posted by soren @ 26 02 2004 05:14 PM PST

*sits down for a moment to breathe*

It sorta feels like we're all keeping watch and tending the beacon at a lonely lighthouse. Just waiting for the owner to return someday so that we can all raise a toast and reminisce. Meanwhile, may her odyssey be full of joy and adventure.

posted by m. mellow @ 01 03 2004 11:39 AM PST

And some fine wushu-esque love moments ;)

posted by syndromes @ 01 03 2004 10:43 PM PST

Indeed - may joy, adventure, love, and success be yours in abundance!

posted by bill @ 03 03 2004 12:15 AM PST


online casinos, gambling, casinos, penis enlargement, blah blah blah, low mortgage rates, sketchy drug companies, online casinos, casinos, penis enlarg ... wait.

Airline tickets to Nepal? WTF?

posted by Zach @ 14 11 2004 12:22 AM PST