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13 December 2003 (Saturday): living with it

The problem with this apartment is what I associate with it -- memories that have collected and still cling to the walls. A number of painful arguments have happened here. There's been a lot of curling up into a ball and staring at the ceiling, mired too deep into a strange despair even to move. And just walking in the door sometimes reminds me of all the lonely evenings I've spent here, working in solitude when I might have been somewhere else, connecting with people, laughing. This is where I've come when I had nowhere else to go. This is where I do all the stuff I hate doing.

An incomplete picture, of course. There have been plenty of perfectly innocuous nights in this apartment's history with me. The light is beautiful at any time of day, and I love going down the stairs at noon to eat at the Thai restaurant next door. I was standing in this doorway between the main room and the kitchen, curling my fingers against the thick white paint, when I took a phone call that changed my life. I remember hanging up and bouncing all over the room, onto this chair, spinning here on the linoleum floor.

There are times when I badly want a house. Just a two-bedroom place with a basement or garage, and hiking trails nearby. But this is both financially impossible and logically untenable, and anyhow I suspect it's just a desire to move on from this place in particular. Bury the bad memories; press the good ones into a scrapbook and put them away. Don't live with them. Start anew.

For now, a compromise. Loft the bed. Hang the pictures. Change the lamps. Buy a couch, curtains for the bay windows, cloth for the kitchen table. This place has never been home, but maybe that's because I've never allowed it to be. Time to find out.

posted by enjelani @ 01:34 PM PST

Replies: 4 comments

I'll help you decorate! I love moving to new places (hate packing but love unpacking!) and decorating and stuff... As far as making it home, well, that requires heart being there, cliche tho that is.

posted by Moonpuddle @ 17 12 2003 12:48 AM PST

It's strange how new scenery changes your outlook. We moved into our new house in February, and the atmosphere is so much better here - at least in my mind. There were plenty of happy memories in the old house, but the sad memories were outweighing them there, and sometimes I felt I was drowning in them. My outlook on life has become much more positive in this house, which has a lot to do with the fact that it didn't come with any baggage, and probably because there are so many windows and lots of natural light. I dunno, I'm rambling, but basically I'm trying to say, yes I know what you mean. Note to self: Never write comments in people's journals before 6 a.m.

posted by Karin @ 17 12 2003 04:59 AM PST

Light candles. Use fire to raise the energy vibration. The right incense is nice. Feel the love and support you KNOW is directed your way. Today is a day the whole of existence has created for you.

posted by Theo @ 17 12 2003 11:59 AM PST

Merry xmas ya hug-whore :)

posted by syndromes @ 25 12 2003 10:00 PM PST