the last embassy
enjelani's journal archives

[ cast of characters ]

[ go to the archives ] [ return to the present ]

[ previous: "that which cannot be named" ] [ return to the present ] [ next: "priorities" ]

13 June 2002 (Thursday): in someone else's words

Clippings from other people's journals. To some I can really relate; to others I think a loved one would really relate; with others I just stare in awe for a while. Sometimes all three.

I continue to believe that there is no art without pain.

the slow minutes after midnight are cool from the open window, filled with the night sounds of suburbia bordering farmland: crickets and frogs, cicadas and the lone car and the soundless sound of the damp black that cools my forehead and ruffles my hair. my cat presses his nose to the screen, sees things in the dark that i do not. the hours tick by and i wonder why i procrastinate sleep. it's the waiting i suppose. it slows down time. stretches things.

- slithy tove, 5.1.02

i don't understand the past and am not at peace with it. i think in the future tense about when i've overcome such and such an obstacle in my life, then such and such will all be better, taken care of. then i can get on with it all. of course, as i think dad pointed out to me a couple of weeks ago, i suspect the biggest obstacles are actually just those threads to the past and future. they're real, woven of and bearing the inertia of habit, and so not so easily broken as just noticing them, but it's still funny how their tugs can be so known and comfortable, if misery-making, that you take them and their restrictions for granted.

- balance in motion, June 9, 2002 02:40 PM

I love far better than I used to. My openness toward the women I've been with, and the things I've learned from them, has given me an understanding of what relationships are really about. I can be with someone for the rest of my life. I don't have to be alone. It's been a gradual process that has revealed new truths to me through everyone I've been with. But I must say, it has far more to do with the person I'm with now. She has shown me that being with someone does not equate to a loss of self. If anything, the right person strengthens the self. I give her full credit for showing me this. And in reality, this has been the most amazing change since 23 that I can find love, that I can recognize it when it's there, and that I can do it well.

- jim batcho, 4:04.02.4:59p

I absolutely love puzzling my child. Not all the time, mind you, but sometimes an opportunity for "learning thru confusion" presents itself and I have to jump right in. For example, the other day she came home from school having learned about maps - political and geographical, blah blah. I asked her if California was real, and solid, or if it was "imaginary". She replied emphatically that it was real, looking at me as 8-year-olds will look at their parents when they think they are crazy...

Anyway, I asked her, if she were a bird, how she would see, when flying over the land, where California stopped and Nevada started. This silenced her - a rare thing. I went on to ask her what exactly was the solid, real California, and what if I stood near the border and threw a chunk of dirt-California into Nevada? I never did get an answer from her that day, but now I know from our conversations about the middle east, etc. that she has a firm grip on the near-meaninglessness of political boundaries.

- moonpuddle, April 5, 2002 10:24 AM

I am sick of this. I want to do some startlingly nice things, something like lending a pen to the world, returning a wallet on a massive scale. I want to slink in the corner of some cafe, wearing sunglasses, choose someone, and ask them to deliver a letter. I want someone to dress up as a villain, while I dress up as a superhero, and stage some elaborate fight in a public place. I want to make short films and music, and write The Great American Novel. I want my body to live in this world, and my mind to live somewhere nicer.

- technicolor, 5/31/2002

But that's the covenant. "I give you leave
to break my heart tomorrow, but for now
you are my own." I took the pledge. I bow
before these terms. I no longer believe
the end negates all meaning. I had reprieve
from loneliness for twenty months, and how
can that be bitter? In the end, I know
it was a sacred thing. And if I grieve
for loss, it's like the grief for summer's end.
In cycles wider than the brain can feel,
in snow-clogged caverns, life awaits rebirth.
I trust in this. I'm learning to depend
on hidden things beneath the frozen earth.
So learn to hold and wait. Learn to be still.

- metameat, thu 9 aug 2001

posted by enjelani @ 02:17 PM PST

Replies: 2 comments

That technicolor girl is insane. (I mean that in a good way.)

She's either going to grow up to save humanity or... well, hopefully she'll grow up to save humanity. :)

posted by jim @ 14 06 2002 02:31 PM PST

you should read this:


posted by enjelani @ 14 06 2002 03:13 PM PST