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21 March 2002 (Thursday): drink this

Had a busy evening yesterday. After working in the lab about an hour later than I meant to, I hurried home to hang out with Liz for her birthday. Made a quick detour to the grocery store for a $10 bouquet of roses on the way over. "Since it's my birthday tomorrow, I was wondering if you could get Mom some flowers for me," she'd said over the phone on Tuesday. "I'm confused," I said. "It's your birthday." "I know," she said. "Mom's put a lot of time and effort into raising me, so I figured my birthday was a good opportunity to say thank you." Blink. I brought the roses. Mom positively glowed.

After cake and merriment with the womenfolk, I went to meet up with Zach for about an hour. He's changed and he hasn't. He's as beautiful as he ever was; it's just that his heart is older. The wounds I gave him in breaking up with him have scarred over, finally, and in certain moments I could almost imagine we were comfortable in each others' presence. Someday, someday, someday. What good friends we might have been, if I hadn't made things so messy between us. Maybe we still could be, in time. Maybe, maybe. As he was leaving he hesitated, then opened his arms for a goodbye hug. "It's good to see you," he said. "Even if it's really weird." "It's good to see you," I said.

Then more driving: the long, quiet trip on a half-rural highway to Soren's house, to spend some time together before I leave on this weekend trip with Emmett. We launched into lively conversation as soon as I walked in, and the next time we checked the clock it was 3 a.m. I've come to realize that love really is in the little things -- unaffected gestures that become symbolic. I know how Soren feels by the way he pours me a glass of water and hands it to me. Nothing dramatic, no long meaningful gazes, no flirtatious lingering touch. Just: drink this.

Life ain't fair. How did I get this lucky?

It'll be time to fetch Emmett from his college dorm in a few hours. I can already picture us wailing along to Marvin Gaye all the way to the airport.

'Til Monday.

posted by enjelani @ 01:26 PM PST

Replies: 2 comments

Hmm... This may sound like a weird question, but one I still have difficulty reconciling...

When Soren does things like that for you (or you for him), do you *feel* anything? Or is it more of a logical thing that...? I'm just so confuzed about love :( I don't know if i'll ever understand what it means (both in general and to me), but when I used to do things like that for my Ex, at the beginning, I felt all schmoopie schmoopie about it. Later on, nothing. NO-THING.

So, i'm left here wondering if I am just numb to love, don't understand it, or just didn't experience it after "awhile".

So confuzed.

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