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1 February 2002 (Friday): freudy eudy oxen free

I realized last night that I am dating my father.

The parallels are striking. Soren is smart, opinionated, passionate, brooding, contradictory, restless, hopeful, solitary...finds truth in the deep silence of mountains, is fascinated by foreign cultures, loves a good argument where his most cherished views get challenged...damn. He's a dead ringer for my dad. I can't believe it didn't hit me before.

And that means our relationship may have the same perils that my relationship with my father has had. I am easily influenced by the people I love; fortunately this isn't generally an issue, because many of those people are simply supportive and listen more than than they offer advice. But Dad has always been the one to suggest directions for me, point out what he thinks my strengths and weaknesses are, how best to navigate them -- and though he takes care nowadays not to voice his opinion too strongly, I can always sense an undercurrent of judgment on every decision I make. He's provided unsolicited counsel on just about everything that's come up in my life. It used to drive me nuts.

He wants nothing more than for me to be happy. I know that. And he would like nothing better than for me to stand up to him and say, look, thanks, but I'm going to do this my way. Yet I'm also aware of how well he knows me, and that if I think it over long enough, I'm going to realize he's probably right. And I usually end up doing exactly what he suggested. It just infuriates me that it wasn't my idea, is all. I want something to call my own, something I had to fight for -- something I had to face disapproval and doubt from him in order to accomplish. I'm too level-headed to rebel for the sake of rebelling, but I've been wanting to break free of his influence for years now.

Now Soren, who startles me with how deep an understanding he already has of who I am and what I really want, is taking on a similar role. My life is finally moving into a realm that's completely unfamiliar to my father, and while he's trying to be helpful as always, we're both aware that he doesn't know what he's talking about half the time. But Soren does. He's worked in this area for a long time, and he has thoughts on how I should go about this, advice on where to go and whom to approach. At the same time, he knows it's only his opinion, and in the end he only wants me to do what I want to do. He doesn't want to run my life for me, any more than my father does. But I can feel the same malleability happening with Soren...the same tendency to change my mind to fit the advice I've been given, because I see the truth in it and come to question my own instincts. Such is the dark side of being open-minded.

I do realize how lucky I am to have the problem of too much help, rather than too little. Maybe I should quit complaining and count my blessings.

I'll close with a quote that's mostly unrelated, except for the fact that it's from Sophocles' Antigone and I'm on an Oedipal kick this entry. I used to have it taped to my pencil box in high school, which is why I remember it:

"Heap up riches in your house if you will; live in kingly state; and yet if there be no gladness therein, I would not give the shadow of a vapor for all the rest, compared with joy."

posted by enjelani @ 03:32 PM PST