21 December 2002 (Saturday)

dream 89

My dreams last night involved fences. We peered through them, tried to climb them, to no avail. But the day was bright, and people were laughing as they chased puppies and baseballs on green fields. I never did figure out whether I was on the outside or the inside.

posted by enjelani @ 11:15 AM PST [ link ]

17 December 2002 (Tuesday)

slings and arrows

It's a fine line, sometimes, between wisdom and despair: between seeing the world as it is and accepting it, and wanting no part of this reality. For all we know there is no justice, no God or afterlife, no miracles beyond the occasional happy fluke. Good things happen to bad people; bad things happen to the good. I've watched a college course's attendance thin out to half its size after the first few days, once people understood what was going to be involved, what effort would result in what payoff. They realized what they were in for, and checked out.

In life, of course, "checking out" involves violence, pain, poison, wailing grief for those who've had the chance of loving you. Besides, everyone hesitates before choosing an irrevocable unknown. The price is too high, so suicide remains the territory of the desperate. But if it were painless, to choose simply not to exist? I think we'd have a much sparser planet.

No, nothing's wrong. I just think about these things sometimes.

posted by enjelani @ 05:36 PM PST [ link ]