13 September 2003 (Saturday)

bootstraps

Being poor sucks.

Up until now, I've been in what's best described as pseudo-poverty: small apartment, cheap eats, no new toys, but with a large sum in the bank and the peace of mind that comes with it. The spartan lifestyle was largely self-imposed. But entrepreneurism requires investment, and I have been pouring my funds into a project that won't see revenues for several months at least. And now I am barely scraping by. Each new bill arrives with a lump in the throat -- where is the money to pay for this? After a few phone calls and bank visits it's always there, but I do my arithmetic three, four, five times over to make sure. Every time: it's gonna be tight. I'm realizing now just how much mental energy being poor requires. It takes a lot of focus to enjoy anything; my mind always wants to snap back to the calculator.

But of course this is still, ultimately, a simulation. It's still pseudo-poverty. I have an engineering degree, so I could go back to a salaried job if I fished around long enough. Even barring that, there are my parents in their suburban home, the spare bedroom, the free meals in exchange for a share of the household chores. "You can always turn to us, E," my father said on my last visit home. "Don't be too proud to ask." He knows me well. I am too proud to ask.

Someday I'll have a home with a spare bedroom, and grown children to whom I'll say the same thing: whenever things get rough, you can always come back here. But I want to have gained that kind of security myself. I want to have earned every dollar of it. And probably, deep down, I'll want my children to refuse my help, too.

posted by enjelani @ 05:32 PM PST [ link ]

8 September 2003 (Monday)

shaky foundations

The debate (previous post) continues to rage -- it's like the Poli Sci discussion section that never ends. Good times. The sweat and chalkdust are starting to make me woozy, though, so I'm stepping outside for a drink of water.

Presently we have circled back to fundamentals: what are we here to do? I argued for something sustainable, but I'm suddenly troubled by this notion. Hell, nothing is sustainable. The earth has ice ages, continents break into tectonic fragments, the sun will swell up and die, the Milky Way will collide into Andromeda. The Way Of Things seems to be constant upheaval, albeit on a grand, slow scale. Form, destroy, reform. Everything works perfectly, but only for a while. Perhaps to strive for immortality is folly.

Back I go. There are plenty of extra chairs, if you care to join us.

posted by enjelani @ 09:32 AM PST [ link ]