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17 August 2003 (Sunday): bbbbbeeam me up Scotty

One of the things I miss most about living in a dorm is the quote list. Over the past three years I've managed to cobble together a measly seven soundbites, a far cry from the bounty of my college days. This is easily explained by several missing factors: 1) proximity to pen and paper when the quote occurs, 2) people sufficiently punch-drunk on stress and sleep deprivation to produce quotes, and 3) people sufficiently punch-drunk to find the quotes funny.

So here's the recent list:

Toyota Corolla: the Official Car of the Bay Area.
- Lenny

If I ever have a kid, I'm gonna name him Batman. And I'd go to his kindergarten class: "Hi, I'm Batman's father..."
- Lenny

You're better than pizza.
- Soren

Housemate: Here, have some Belgian chocolate.
Soren: But it's ten o'clock in the morning.
Housemate: It's okay, I'm having eggs after this.

Christmas. Birthday. Anniversary. Valentine's Day. The four horsemen of the apocalypse.
- Dardy, on high-maintenance girlfriends

I need another dimension. That way I'd have more pockets to put things in.
- ECheng

I think I would be better off if I just menstruated.
- Soren

And, mostly for Lynn's benefit, a reprint of one of my less lucid moments back in 1998:

Enjelani: Oh dear.
Ava: What's the matter?
E: That poor beautiful wolf.
A: Care to elaborate?
E: Well, this Prolog program is supposed to solve that classic river-crossing problem. You know, the farmer with the goat and wolf and cabbages, right? And he can't leave the wolf or the goat together, or the goat and cabbages together, but he can only carry one thing in the boat at a time?
A: You're programming this?
E: Programming the computer to find a solution to it, yeah. But right now it's stuck in this infinite loop...so it's like there's this rather dim-witted farmer, see, and this great big regal-looking wolf, with round amber eyes. The farmer hoists the wolf into the boat, rows across like mad, and sticks the beast on the dock. Then he stares at the wolf with this puzzled look, snaps his fingers, and abruptly dumps the bewildered creature back into the boat. And rows back, the dumbass.
A: Um --
E: So eventually I've got this totally exhausted farmer rowing his way to a heart attack, and this beautiful wolf sitting upright in the boat thinking "great, here we go again," looking just the slightest bit seasick...
A: That doesn't sound like much of a solution.
E: Oh, it gets better. I'm trying these various scenarios, see, trying to get the program to work, and so I'm moving the goat and the cabbages without putting them in the boat. So this wolf is sitting there, silently battling nausea, watching a very confused goat and basket of cabbages get beamed Star-Trek style from shore to shore...
A: My goodness.
E: And...and!...I have to insert print statements to track the search progress, right? So I'm picturing a whole news crew camped out on this shore, with the helicopters and enormous cameras and dolled-up reporters shouting "Goat getting in boat!" "Farmer rowing!" "Cabbages on far shore!"
A: My dear, you need to get some sleep or something.
E: "Wolf getting in boat!" "Farmer rowing!" And meanwhile the goat's going "Bbbbbeeeeam me up, Scotty..."

posted by enjelani @ 01:13 AM PST

Replies: 3 comments

oh, man... five years later, this *still* makes me laugh till my sides hurt. :-) we are so on the same wavelength today, enj... i just spent an hour rereading my email folder from spring '98, reliving the pleiad's glory days. wow, were we goofy-- but in the best of ways. :-)

one of these days you need to restore the entire old quote page, stampeding rhinos and all. punch-drunk or not, i can guarantee that a few of us would still find it hysterical. :-)

the only one i can still quote is one of the few that i had a hand in, namely:

A: "Brevity is..."
L: "...the soul of wit."
A: Thank you. I couldn't remember the rest. I was going to say something like "Brevity is..."
L: "...good?" *pause* "Brevity is good."
A: *groans*
L: That was witty, wasn't it?

Not nearly as funny as the rhinos. Or the famous conversation stopper: "I can get the other three" (credit to Zach on that one).

posted by Lynn @ 17 08 2003 12:18 PM PST

i was never there, but it's just as funny reading it. enji, we've got your old computer (i think) with all those pictures of Solomon and stuff. Could somebody post the quote by Drew (i think) on the miraculous drug, sleep?

posted by Liz @ 20 08 2003 04:30 PM PST

thank you for the laugh, enj. it's nice to have a breath of 'home' from out here in ´tropical islands´-- which have been quite cold lately, actually. the water was 63 degrees last week!

maybe i´ll see you before the year is out.

oh. and i´m now wearing shorts and pants with more pockets, so i´ve gotten around that whole needing-another-dimension thing. :)

from the galapagos,
eric

posted by echeng @ 23 08 2003 04:31 PM PST