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13 February 2002 (Wednesday): Internet addiction

I have come to a sobering conclusion: web-surfing is a drug. An illegal drug. Grown in hydroponic closets. That there's some fucked-up shit, man.

After several weeks, maybe months, of lazing around in my cube, checking out the most random websites imaginable, visiting some of them over and over again for no particular reason, reading ten to fifteen different blogs in a sitting...it occurred to me that it's no wonder I don't like my job. I'm not even doing my job. At least, not nearly efficiently enough to bring any degree of satisfaction. With the exception of last Friday's demo (which went beautifully, by the way -- aahhhh), I've done about four days' worth of real work since the beginning of the year. Not good.

Yesterday I got up early, but somehow I couldn't bring myself to make the commute to the office. So I emailed the group saying I was taking the day off, as I was "not feeling too well." This was not entirely false. Really what I needed was to take a deep breath, and sort out the little loose ends in my life. So I paid my bills. Took out my paper recycling. Vacuumed the apartment. Did my laundry. Mailed off a few things and made a few phone calls for my hobby-job. I sat out in the sun with my lunch and watched people go by, rushing from one part of their lives to another, and felt at once sympathetic and bewildered. Yup, that's how it is. But why is it that way? I tipped my bottled drink to my lips, feeling the liquid slide down my throat.

Sometime in mid-afternoon I came back to the computer and opened the web browser. Three hours later it was dark outside, and I was alone in my pitch-black room hunched over a monitor again, clicking from one link to another. Then I shook myself awake. What was I doing? I had intended to surf for five minutes and then head back out for a long walk. Maybe climb a tree or two. Or wander around downtown with a notebook in hand. What had happened to that plan?

The web is no substitute for life, I thought. There needs to be a balance. I need to go out into the world. I grabbed my backpack and ran out the door, as though fleeing something.

I did get that long walk, and I did wander around downtown, ending up in a bookstore's travel section, sketching plans in my notebook for a summer trip to Alaska. And after that, on impulse, I drove to the office, and proceeded to write about three days' worth of code in four hours. And it was interesting! I found myself getting excited about the features I'd promised to do, trying to write them as elegantly as possible. I'd found motivation. I left work around midnight with that sensation of well-earned rest, feeling tired but happy.

So: discipline. I need to learn how to use the Internet wisely. Certainly I don't plan to abandon it entirely (seeing as I'm still posting here). But I need to recognize its place in my life, and keep it within those confines. I am more than a username on a screen. There is more to all this than HTML.

Wish me luck.

posted by enjelani @ 12:16 PM PST

Replies: 1 comment

"There is more to all this than HTML."

*blink* *blink*

Uhh... I don't get it... ? Wuh?

posted by syndromes @ 05 07 2002 01:00 AM PST